The wages of trust.

2010-04-03T22:49:00.003+08:00

to the only one that still visits this page!

it was that htht we had, under that Yishun block. that was kick start this friendship. oh my, how i wished i didn't there! haha, kidding. you're like one of the nicest people I've come across. most of the times, I feel that you're even more concerned for my problems than I am. thanks for all the calls in the middle of the night. thanks for all the jokes whenever I'm bored. thanks for all the encouragements along the way. thanks for EVERY SINGLE THING you've done! :) you're da bomb! I LOVE YOU!

20 days later, you're gonna get your head shaved, put on that green uniform and be sent to pulau tekong (did i get it righttttt?!). i'm gna miss you! :( you must not forget me okay! haha, that's the end! you need tissue! HAHAHA

2009-11-27T13:54:00.002+08:00

It has been ages since I ever used this form of diary in my life! From the last time I've checked, it was 11sept. and throughout this period, I'm proud to say that I've conquered my final last bit of year 1 life in college!

Promos is over! with a B S U for my H2. I know it looks bad. Just look at the first grade will do!
WR is nicely done and submitted
OP is finally over after hell lot of dry runs!
Last 2 weeks of holiday lectures are over!

All in all, CELINE HAS BECOME RICHER!

thankfully to PW, I've found much more to look forward in school (: discovered that I've been dwelling in my own comfort zone and hey! i should get out. can now finally remove the title of classmate, and replace them with friends. so, college life is so much better for me now. the mad rush of WR kick start the life in E4-4, and that's the life I've been missing so much ever since the life in Deyi came to an end. Tho undeniable Deyi can be more interesting, but the atmosphere here urge me to just forget about all the stress and enjoy it ttm.

OP then brought us a whole lot closer! with enjoyable fast food rush, card game sessions and movie dates. people tend to become a lot closer when they have common enemy. in this case, we had one. all the lame games that we played, silly tricks we played.

last 2 weeks of lectures may seem dry. every lecture last for 100 mins. but I guess with them, life was made simpler. i kinda realise myself looking forward to school, esp to breaks. proud to say, i've found new friends. friends whom I can laugh with instead of laugh at.

Dad promised me 1k if i work for him. but i've certainly no idea if this 1k, would make me poorer or richer.

2009-09-11T10:51:00.002+08:00

wow, its like exactly a month ago since the last post. guess that's e cause of how we city-dwellers lead our lives.

while it was merely just a month ago since I last used my blog, I'm less than a month away from THE exam. well, its not gonna be as major as Os or As, but its definitely something that I fear. Maybe because I see myself screwing it up and end up spending another year doing college, being afraid of failure like such, I'm not at all optimistic about this coming one. =/

Lately I've been really interested in the western prom culture, haha! I would wonder why actually. Thinking about it, its quite cool with the idea of having prom boutonniere and corsage. heh, prom boutonniere is what a girl would buy for her date and pin it on his prom tux. While a corsage, usually in a bracelet form, is what a guy for would for his date. The prom boutonniere and corsage is the identify of a couple during prom when there are tonnes of other people together. HAHA! So that's currently what I've been doing for the past few days, figuring different cultures and understanding the meaning behind it. Soul enriching, and brings me a little closer to people in the other half of the world.
Books pretty much drive me to this state of sanity.

Another thought that have been lingering in my mind for the past few months. While life in college is much of an inferno for me, the thought about going overseas to finish up my studies in a much less stressful manner seem really inviting. Being so emotionally attached in where I am, and knowing that its impossible to have both my friends and a less stressful environment. But being who I am, I still believe that my friends shouldn't be the sacrificed lamb.

That's for now. I'm done.

2009-08-11T21:53:00.002+08:00

have been pondering over a few thoughts lately.

discovered that everytime I wanna let someone into my life, and understand the pain and troubles I'm going through, the words get stuck at my throat, and someother nonsensical stuff would then come out of my mouth to change topic. yet those thoughts are the reasons why these days I hardly find myself smiling.
have realised that sometimes having a superficial front is actually very important. in terms of making friends, and extending my network with the people around me. I should probably not let my emotions control the people I want to mix with. I shouldn't judge whether they are my friends or not based on whether I like them. and in any case, who knows whether they are truly my friends.
promos is really closing in, probably everyone else knows that. every year end, such torment reoccurs. but what really made this so significant? maybe its because this is the first time I'm posed with the possibility of not making into J2? The first time Celine hears that she may get to retain. Or maybe this is the most torturing year of school I've ever gotten.
what does retaining actually mean to me? a stain, a smudge on my life, or something that I'm really gonna face pretty soon, and I can be bothered about its happening? guess in everything I do, or rather it being the nature of human, failure hits exceptionally hard when its the first time. Yes, I agree that to me it is going to be a stain, a smudge that no matter how hard I strive in future I wouldn't be able to get rid of it. But I really don't know if my capabilities can help me turn the tables over this time round.
so what if I've made it into J2, will I be able to make it into a University?

These thoughts are no different from putting me in the middle of the sea, getting washed by every wave that comes my way. I'm really drowning, this is for real. Noticing the change happening in me, but yet feeling helpless cos what can I do anyway! I don't want to lose the real me, I still want to be myself. I've sold myself to college life. The life in which I thought it would be fun and interesting before I've entered it.

2009-08-04T23:48:00.001+08:00

Before it all, I may be unsure of my directions.
But now, it has gotten me a clearer view of things.

Is solitude really good for a being? Why and why not?

2009-08-02T02:50:00.003+08:00

I never knew I was that bothered, I never knew it would have hit me so bad.
MPTS is over for me, perhaps it'd be last time such horror is about to happen.

"You're the first born of the family, gotta prove it right."
Mum, I wish I could.

"You gotta choose between catching goals and gaining entry to U, make your stand!"
Perhaps I got to. Thanks for reminding me of my agenda in this school.

"The glory stays with the school, the stains are what's left with you."
The cruel truth of striving so hard for the championship or a title for the school.

"Get the time line right, its promos first then A div. Not A div before promos."
Yes Khai, thanks for reminding me about that.

"Are you intending to change position? I'm glad you've got no intentions to, cos I doubt I'll be able to find a good enough substitute for coming A div."
I really wish I don't have to disappoint you coach, I know where you're coming from and I know that you wish we can superseed our seniors. I sincerely wanna be able to be physically and mentally there for the seasons there next year. But I've got to make sure I get promoted.

"That's your commitment, you chose it, you fulfill it to the end."
Guess be it studies or soccer, its both my commitment. Though I can't take on 2 at a time, I shall first strive to get promoted then a sliver for Adiv next year.

I'm not giving up without a fight, its either I make it or break it.

2009-07-14T21:39:00.002+08:00

Its probably the last time.
Yes indeed, with the least conviction I can muster right now, its the last time.

till the next time you head is next to mine,
till the next time I hear you breathe,
till the next time your smell overwhelms me.

I'm on my own.

2009-07-11T16:43:00.001+08:00

Why out of all that I know, it has to be you?
What is my response supposed to be?
Your choice, cos its your life.

2009-06-27T02:10:00.002+08:00

And indeed, June holidays is coming to an end.

Embraced, recharged. Move on.

2009-06-22T01:23:00.002+08:00

Am I immune to this horrible neglected, shunned aside feeling?
Or have I chosen to persuade myself that all of these are just my wayward thoughts?

I do declare that friends are my infinite source of motivations each time I'm struck. Their company is where I find myself recharged after feeling exhausted from all the mundane life cycle that I go through.
But what do I do, or how am I suppose to cope when I feel that my energy bars are running out?

Its so much like a sugar rush effect. When I'm tired, when I feel so encouraged to break down, I take gulps of red bull. Energized by the sugar rush effect, I continue my routines. But when the sugar rush effects wears off, I find myself worse off than initially. Should I have not taken those gulps of red bull?

I really miss those days when we're stuck in Deyi. We may not be the best school in town, but I believe the friendships and company are the best I can ever ask for in my life. I regret, I regret not paying enough attention to my friends, not dedicating enough of my time to them. Well, at that very moment, I may have thought I was doing enough. But thinking back now, it's more of quantity than quality.

Embarking on a new journey ahead.. Lifting my first foot, hesistating if I should step into this self proclaimed torture. Before my foot hit the road willingly, a strong force pushed me into all of it. I don't have a choice. I just had to carry everything out, just as I am supposed to.
Hence, I entered MJC, not knowing a single one there. Telling myself, I'd probably be able to find friends easily in a new environment. And of course, I really bothered to keep in contact with probably those who mattered a world to me. Unknowingly, I realised that I've actually walked through a quarter of hell, with buckets of sweat and bins of soaked tissues.
And now I ask myself, what's real to me?

Lately I've been thinking alot, much about what and how I'm going to drive this plain torture until it hits a brightly litted street.
Celine, what do you really want in life?
I ever once promise myself that in future, I would not seek for fortune, because I don't want to be best friends with those coloured papers. I remember myself sharing this with my mum, I told her. I will find a group of friends that would last until I die. With them, I don't have to worry whether I would get attached. I could still remember the smile on her face, she just replied me, my dear that's only when you can find them. Confidently, I assured her that I'll find myself sitting in a coffee shop with my dearest friends chatting when I'm 50 and they will also be the ones present when I'm on my deathbed. And even if friends don't exist, I told her I have my cousins.

Such pride and confidence I have in myself. A few years ago, I found a need to re-evaluate this speech. My cousins left me. Hence, once again, I tell myself I'll have my inexhaustible loving friends beside me till the point that I'm called to leave the world.

With half a pill of faith left in me, I swallowed the harsh cold fact. Slowly getting over how I've lost my dearest cousins. The ones I've grew up with and knew best about. With that half a pill of faith, I thought I could conquer the rest of my life.

And tonight, I sense the need to re-think about my speech again. Before I start thinking of how to say it, maybe I'll first like to know what's real in my life.
The tangible, the intangible. The right-before-my-eyes, the diminishings.

My love, my best friends, my good friends, my friends, my acquaintances.
Maybe it was just all hallucinations.

2009-06-04T22:03:00.002+08:00

the june break is finally here! :D

guess that sounds like a joyous matter worthy for a champagne. but the school seemed to have misinterpreted the meaning of a holiday, hence, its stained. we have extended lectures, we go to school like poly students for this extra days, teachers book the class for extra tutorials.

well, it still sound pretty relaxing, and at least, we're not required to wake up at 6 every morning. but on top of it all, our first day of holidays started with a huge bang! every year ones very first official paper in MJ. Gp MYE. after which, we are supposed to go for our end of term II bash.

and as usual, the school have either misinterpreted the meaning of a bash or they have named this event wrongly. the bash ended up being visiting ancient civilisation museum, followed by watching monster vs alien in lido. wow! I would have given up the bash for such an amazing tour -.-!

My body finally decided that, hey this isn't how I should be spending this crucial June break. As such, I fell sick on Monday night. Obtained a MC, and tadaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I've not been in school since the end of Monday. Kudos to my great immune system, it has chosen to fall sick at the right time. I've been slacking at home, doing nothing but to eat and sleep. Never had I felt rested enough. Thanks, I love myself more now.

Have to go down to school tmr. For something that I'd rather get to know from a third party. The announcement of our exco positions. It wouldn't surprise me if I don't get it. Cos after last friday, 29th May, I've already told myself that that's it. I've tried, I've done what I could. But if she would to get it, I'd be utterly shocked and disappointed.
Let's see whether is it a surprise or an already anticipated outcome awaiting for the team.

2009-05-14T21:59:00.002+08:00

My very first semi-finals I've been to in my soccer career.
My very first time entering Jalan Besar Stadium.
My very first time crying for a match that I did not play.

Before having lunch, we watched a video. A summation of mainly the year2's journey thus far. Tho we were not part of it, but we were definitely touched by all who made it possible for us to come so far. Namely our coach and the teachers-in-charge. Being reminded that coach's stay in our team is dependent on today's match. We were even more determined that we had to win!

In that changing room, we roared. We promised to play our v best. We promised to never give up. Shouting- FINALS, HERE WE COME! Even out at the field, we still had that phrase ringing in our ears. Again and again, we screamed we roared.

SA being always in our half, posed us great trouble. By half time, we barely had even 1 scoring chance. Watching the players lie flat on the pitch, I thought it is going to be a replay of VJ's match. They went in, played even better than the first half. Many shed blood, literally! Yet quickly brushing the blood on their faces away, afraid that the referee would send them out. Many sprained their ankle, limping away in the field chasing after the ball. When coach wanted to sub them out, their argued so badly just to be able to continue playing.

By the whistle that we termed heavenly, the referee told us we were given 10-10 extra time. This would mean our bleeding, injured players had to carry on defending for another 20 min. This time round SA was still hyped up and always trying to score. But for every ball that SA shot, there was a meridian body to block it.

The whistle blew. SA cheered. MJ kept slient. Penalty shootout, something that we knew we had a disadvantage over SA. One by one. They shot. Keepers dived. 3-4

We lost.
We lost our chance to enter finals.
We lost our team target.
We were so close, so close.

RIJC vs MJC, 22nd May, Jalan Besar Stadium.

2009-05-09T01:40:00.002+08:00

now thinking that in 2 more weeks it'll be over, and it'll be farewell for seniors. I feel the butterflies in my stomach. I've not much idea when did I started feeling attached to the individuals in the team. Each and everyone inside the team taught me many valuable lessons in this short period of time. Gosh, believe farewell would be a really teary and crappy event that most of us dread.

yes, 2 weeks. MSG is left w 2 weeks to prove our worth. tho we've lost to VJC (which is indeed a stronger team), we would press on in the seasons. :D coming tues, SEMI-FINALS against SAJC. if we win them, we'd be through the semis going onto the finals. YES, FINALS!

Guess apart from soccer, there's nothing good to blog about. Leaving studies and results out of the picture, my college life is indeed an enjoyable journey thus far.

Moved on.

2009-05-01T00:46:00.002+08:00

was just lying on the bed, and started thinking where and how would I be 5 years from now. had lived a countable no. of years in my life, preferably hoping that it would stop at 16, cos that's when I felt really happy.

5 years from now,
I may be preparing to finish my thesis, getting ready to do my last set of exams fer my entire life.
or maybe, I'm buried under the tonnes of project work poly gives.
or maybe, I managed to stumble pass my As but not get anywhere and decide to do my degrees abroad.
who knows if I might be already lying in the coffin or hospital bed. Ha!

the many random possibilities, or rather uncertainties.
where will I be, what will I be doing, how will I be doing and so on have kinda bugged me fer the past hour. and honestly, since I've start college, I haven't figured out my plan on where I'd wanna go and what would I wanna achieve in this 2 short years.

in 3 weeks time, it would be June holidays, which also means GP MYE.
how long ago was March holidays? I wonder.
it seems like other than being chased out of class and getting reprimanded for all the assignments that I've left undone, I've accomplished nothing.
Soccer would be the only event that stood out in this entire term. But guess what, I've not taken part in Nationals at all. Honestly, which team would have use their second choice keeper. So I'll just be at the side line, watching watching watching, until the whole season end.

Occasionally thoughts such as, how i wish they step down, how i wish i can play, how i wish i was the first keeper, would struck me. But at the end of the day, I'm glad I'm under the wings of my seniors, well-protected and cared for by them. For they really taught me sportsmanship, and inspired me with their passion for soccer.

Long and lengthy post. Sums up my whole term 2.

Boy I wouldn't mind.

2009-04-26T15:40:00.002+08:00

Mj v Tj : 3-0
Mj v SR : 1-0
Mj v HCI : 1-0

Victory has been on our side fer the past 3 weeks, hopefully the next 2 as well. Before we are assured of our place in the Semi-finals, we'll work as a team, and fight the war well :D

Since the start of CCA, soccer had been the highlight of my college life. Got used to watching sunset with the team, showering together, then heading home when the night falls.

Besides soccer, CELINE HAVE COMPLETED HER PI! :D READY FER FINAL SUBMISSION! HURRAY! haha.

I think so.

2009-03-29T00:00:00.002+08:00

I ponder over the fact if you'll ever get to know all of this.
Celine still loves you.

It all started with "sure by all means".

2009-03-27T22:24:00.002+08:00

CELINE IS IN AN EXTREMELY HORRIBLE MOOD!

I do hope that I can cry out right in front of you, to tell you everything that have happened today.
I do hope that I can be embraced in your arms, to seek fer the comfort I need to ease the pain.
I do hope that I can hear your voice, whispering those lil nothings just to make me feel glad.
I do hope that I can see your face, cos that's just all I ultimately want.
And as it states, I do hope. I do hope that whatever I have just hoped fer, would come true. Not in the near future, but right now.

Had a lousy day at soccer today. I totally had no idea why each time the ball comes to me, I just stared at the ball and stunned. Lagged and woohoo, I conceded yet another goals. JUMP CELINE, JUMP! Damn it, whats with you today!

Yes, I've been too caught up the all the thoughts.
Yes, I've been wanting to get away from civilisation so much that I want to just vanish from the world.
Yes, I've been rude, I've been mean, I've been all a bitch would be.
I'm stressed out, really really stressed.
You don't get me, don't condemn me. Just leave me alone, not that I would stand right in front of you and block your way. I may be grouchy, easily irritated by loud noises, but I dare swear I wouldn't have done so to you, if you hadn't chose to bug me.

Kickoff match is starting on next next Wed.
No more conceding of goals?
No more nonsense thoughts in the field?
No more mistakes?
WAKE UP CELINE, WAKE UP.
YOU'VE GOT NOT MUCH TIME LEFT, SO SNAP OUT OF EVERYTHING!

2009-03-23T21:18:00.002+08:00

FIRST DAY OF TERM 2

School is forcing me off the cliff. I can't get what the lecturers are saying most of the time. Esp fer Economics. Every now and then, everyone is discussing about promos, retaining, dropping out. Why, why! Chill man, its only first day of term 2! Can't stand it.

2009-03-22T21:39:00.002+08:00

Once again the problem surfaced. Recalled the last time that it causes my heart to flicker, was a few months ago. Bidding goodbye to it, with hopes that it would never ever return to me. But what's with it again. Who would render me his help when I'm feeling helpless. Who is willing to be that pillar to provide me w strength. Who can kindly whisper an encouragement into my ears. The beginning sound so much just like how 2 strangers would eventually be the best of friends, but the events and episodes causes it to sound like a ridiculous love story that shouldn't have even taken place. Who knows maybe one day, I might be able to successfully pretend that I do not know you. And maybe, after a decades, I might be able to have really forgotten you. I wanna move on, I wanna have nothing to do w you. What's keeping me?

2009-03-17T01:10:00.002+08:00

Finally after many training sessions, the selection results are out! We've been kept under suspense fer quite sometime, and coach has been using selections to push us further and further during trainings. Well, I've made it to become the 2nd keeper of the main team. :D

I suppose training will become tougher as nationals are really getting nearer each day. And so, my stress level is indirectly proportional to the no. of days left to nationals. Well, I do agree that I love participating in matches, where I get to get in contact w the ball. That was why initially I chose to play outfield as a defender. When I become a keeper, my stand had to change. I'd rather stand in front of the goalpost fer 70mins without touching the ball.

As a defender, if I happen to lose possession of the ball, I would still have a chance to chase aft the ball. As a keeper, if I happen to lose possession of the ball, that would make the score different. Although no one in the team would point their fingers at me or question me, my guilt will just surface. There I am, standing right in front of the goalpost, watching the other 10 players, running all around the places, fighting hard to get the ball into the opponent's goal post. Maybe only scoring once after buckets of sweat have been shed. While I, on the other hand, just have to fault in a split second to ruin all their efforts.

I was overjoyed when I received the text saying that I'm officially in the main team. But after a few hours, I wonder if it is really worth the joy.

2009-03-15T01:54:00.002+08:00

THREE CHEERS FOR MARCH HOLIDAYS!

Yup, the much anticipated March Holidays have finally started! Hurrays? Thinking about it, when did March holidays matter so much to me? I must have been so desperate fer holidays that I'm starting to get fascinated and feel the adrenalin rush fer just a pathetic ONE WEEK break. If I hadn't chosen Junior College, I wouldn't even care whether this March Holidays exist or not!

Looking at the stack of work I have to complete, I reckon that the majority of this holidays will be spent working on finishing everything up. Lesser time to spend time with people whom I really really miss hanging out with.

Thinking about how time zoom passes me since the day I've entered Mjc until now. I've realised a few months ago, when I had nothing to do, I'd call up the usual try to arrange to meet the very next hour, or would just lie on the bed and eventually go to another world. I would always hope that school starts the next day, and I'll have something to occupy myself with. Now that school have officially been going on, time passes incredibly fast. I never fail to ask fer more time, more energy to go through each day. How ironic.

Wordy wordy post, but I doubt anyone reads it.
ha, its time to sleep!
Goodnight Celine.

2009-03-12T20:58:00.004+08:00

U grade is so far the best grade I've gotten fer all my subject. In the past, it used to seem all so impossible to get that U grade no matter how bad I did in the test. But now, even when I try to attempt all the questions, I can never surpass that U grade. Like what the lecturer have said, I shouldn't be giving myself excuses fer the really embarrassing grades I have.

Celine buck up!

2009-03-10T20:57:00.002+08:00

Well, I've not been updating my blog fer the past weeks. Mainly because I cannot find the energy and time to do so. Unknowingly, it has came to the end of term 1. According to the other teachers, this is one of the only holidays that we don't have to study and we should enjoy it while it last. Tell me the joy in it.

The only holiday that we don't have to study?
We've got e-learning topics piled up, assignments and tutorials as usual. I believe the workload is even heavier than the normal week at school. So tell me how true is 'we don't have to study'.

Soccer training is stepping up once again. I've kinda anticipated this to happen, since Nationals are coming. But I never expect such intensity. The trainings days are now rather scary. Imagine training every Monday evening, Wednesday morning and evening, Friday evening and maybe Saturday morning. Oh man~ its really scary.

Other than that, I've got back my Chemistry test. HAHA! Guess what! Celine scored 8 out of 25, and is currently the 2nd best in class, tie w this other guy that has tuition. Haha! Okay, its nothing to be proud of anyway, cos after all I've failed. Gosh. I thought to be able to survive in Jc, you just have to be consistently hard working, but I'm convinced its more than that now.

CELINE IS DEPRESSED!

k, now that the first quarter of school has ended. It means that mids are soon coming followed by promos. Too soon to think now? Ha, I'm sure its coming in no time.

What a weird style of blogging. Who cares.
Tata.

2009-02-18T22:07:00.002+08:00

After all the trials and selections, I've been posted to soccer. Yes its soccer again!

Today is the first official training, and the seniors have match against Innova. 2-1, Mj won! I got to play fer like 15 mins, left mid. I think I did damn badly la. Not only did I miss the balls that came in my direction, I blocked a ball somehow. Sorry!

Realised I miss the game they played against TP, or else I would be able to see Kua and the rest of the TP soccer players in action! ha. School is getting more hectic each day. Today is just the start of cca. I really hope I can cope.

2009-02-11T20:11:00.003+08:00

Got posted into Meridian Junior College (Science).

This is already the second week of school.
Going into Meridian Junior College seriously meant starting from scratch. Evidently, I am the only one from Deyi that went into that school. Which explains why I was alone throughout the entire orientation period. Managed to mingle and start talking to the people in my class. Hopefully I would be able to make more friends as time goes by.

Done choosing school, choosing subject combinations and now left w the selections of cca. Was initially really tempted to do canoe, but after seeing the field and how popular soccer is in MJC, I had this sudden surge of emotions that made me so keen to join soccer. I shall pray hard, hope hard and wish wish wish that I'll end up in soccer.

Yeh, beside soccer, I'm seriously keen on council. HAHA! But in Meridian Junior College, Council is like a BIG BIG thing. In order to end up in there, one not only has to go through interviews, but to hold elections like how PAP does them. One still has to prepare speech to be presented in front of the whole school and the people that decides whether one should be part of council is the school. So one will need the school's students' votes.

Alrights, wordy wordy post. Shall go turn myself into a complete mugger now.

2009-01-28T16:59:00.002+08:00

Happy Chinese New Year! (:

Sorry my friend.

2009-01-21T02:34:00.012+08:00

CHRISTMAS SUNDAY (:

2009-01-21T02:02:00.009+08:00

photos that I've said I wanted to post long time ago.

Mannafest!

2009-01-19T00:47:00.003+08:00

The holidays are ending really soon, its such a pity. I'm trying to occupy my everyday, playing to the fullest, in preparations fer the first day of school. The thought of school itself is kind of scary. Imagine having to wake up at 630 every morning, go through all the washing up and dressing up when your eyes are half opened and when you just hope fer another hr of sleep, then get your ass to school by the next hour. Oh man, I wonder how I am going to adapt to it.

I don't know how much of what he have told you went into you. If I were to tell you that they weren't true, are you gonna trust me? I doubt so. From the very beginning, you didn't trust me. You could have asked me the exact questions that you asked him. You could have trusted what I told you instead of what he told you. But you chose not to. Even when I figured that I should let you know what's called the truth, you chose to trust in the lies that were fabricated right before you.

Boy, I didn't change.

2009-01-15T22:22:00.002+08:00

Results came out on the 12 Jan.
Looking at it as a whole, 12 seems to be rather acceptable. Nothing much to complain about. It falls right in between the good and the bad. But when I look at the break down, its when I really felt I haven't put in enough effort. 2 years ago when I chose this particular combination, I wanted to ace all 3 math. My results seemed to turn out otherwise. This isn't what it should be!

Hours ago I submitted my jae applications. Am now praying that I get into my first choice, cos other than my first choice, I'm not really keen in any of the other choices I've entered. Oh well, can't I get what I want in life?!

2009-01-09T01:14:00.002+08:00

So what if I still have feelings fer you,
its not going to change.

Ctn doing what you've been doing.
You're doing great.

You don't exist back then, how would it affect me tmr?

2009-01-07T03:21:00.002+08:00

Maybe standing still will be the most suitable solution fer things now. I should just ctn to lead my own life, do what I want. What's the use of having to worry about how people think of me. I'll just be who I want to be, do what I love to do, go out w whoever that wants to go out w me.

Whatever matters regarding you, I don't wish to hear.
It wasn't long ago since I made e turn, I blv it wouldn't be that hard to go back to where I used to stand.
Realising that it's more comfortable there, I'd rather go back, than to try to make e best of what it is now.

aren't going to be impt to me now.
aren't going to be who I'd think about now.
aren't going to be e special one.

I don't know you inside out.

2008-12-31T11:41:00.004+08:00

This is gonna be my last post of the year.

No matter how this whole year had been, how busy, how tiring, how stressful. I've walked and dragged myself from the first day to the last. From convincing myself that I have to study, to really studying and now I'm done w it. All the major or minor events that have happened, had contributed to who I am today.

4 years ago, when I just entered Deyi. I used to hate going to school, hate the school. Then 4 years later, its the reverse. Not that I love attending school, but I would look forward to school. Cos that's where I grew fer these years, where through my ups and downs provided me much confidence and comfort. Wouldn't dare say I love the school, cos there's so much I'm unpleased with. But I certainly loved the people I met in there, the classes I've been posted to.

408'08 was indeed special. We do not stand out in terms of studies, in terms of how we appeared or carried ourselves. Its the bond, the care we share. Every individual in our class, makes the class a whole. Never forgetting our beloved form teacher who had been w us throughout the 2 whole years. He who hardly grumbles, teaches and cares even out of the classroom. He took care of everything and almost anything.

After tonight, it'd be a whole new year. Everyone of us would be busy entering into jcs or poly. Well, I really do pray that we don't drift and would be this close til as long as it takes.

I'll countdown tonight, making my new year resolutions. &i'm pretty sure, you'll be much of them tonight. Right now, you mean quite a deal to me. But there's so much I can't fig out on my own.

2008-12-30T01:26:00.002+08:00

Not gonna make accounts fer what I do daily, cos this would never end.
So yeah, I've been spending much time w the people at church. Hardly met up w anyone from school this past week. heh, its kinda hard to strike a balance anyway.

Jo is back (:
ohya, Ro is also back (:

2008-12-18T11:38:00.002+08:00

My laptop is down fer God knows how long. I haven't had the time to bring it down to Mac fer it to be repaired. Hence, I can only use the com when I'm at work.

Left fer Genting last thurs and got back on Sunday night. The trip isn't that great like how I would expect it to be. It'll get better every year.

I think going fer holidays and all is fun. But its the coming back and trying to fit back into how it was before I left that I find it tough. It didn't just stop where I left it to be. Things happened that I've get to find out, coming back realising that I've missed out a huge part. Now fill me in, please.

Help me translate those slient pauses.
Tell me what actually it means, how did it happen.

2008-11-29T01:36:00.003+08:00

Its the last day of work fer the week, cos I'm granted a whole weekend off! :D I've to agree that work is rather fun with those new found friends. Maybe its because of them, I don't mind being tortured. &time pass really quickly with them around. HAHA!

I seem to be planning when to quit everyday, should I? Or maybe I should work all the way until I collect my results. Afteral, I do not have any better things to do. Haha. Work have seriously taught me to treasure my chances to study and to further my studies. I still do have a say in my own future, isn't it? Though studying may be tough, but fer the sake of a more blissful future, I should really pump in those efforts.

Whatever it is, at least I've really learnt much from the job. Part-time fer now may still be acceptable, but definitely not next time. Haha, I can't blv I actually do plan fer my future. Or at least, I'm more confirmed that I belong to the tertiary education. Follow the ancient path, primary to secondary then to college and to a university.

2008-11-28T00:38:00.006+08:00

Went out today to celebrate Audrey's birthday and Andrea's real belated birthday.

Apparently the blurer shots are taken by me, and the better looking ones by Kaiyun. haha. Yeh, so thanks to her, we've got better looking photos of the eating cake process. Didn't really shoot down anything while having lunch at Seoul Gardens.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AUDREY :D

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY ANDREA :D

Currently working at thomson plaza popular bookstore. I really hate the feeling of having to work. Though there's the collect pay part. But I seriously don't feel the thrill of it. To me, the daily torture don't worth just 5 per hr. I'm really gonna fire the boss, bef she does it on me.

I'm like locked out of civilisation once I started working. Stopped talking to many people, and haven't been updated with much gossips. ohwells, I always thought it would be fun working, but who cares about the fun now. Though I've made many new friends there, but I just feel so abnormal la.

Can't wait fer the next time I meet up with the girls or any other familiar faces. :D catch my on my next leave, mannafest.

2008-11-27T23:54:00.011+08:00

Photos from the 16-11.
had chalet. went fer the song of the sea, luge.

since it was ages ago, shan't really elaborate much about it.

2008-11-16T02:27:00.002+08:00

Feeling cranky at this hour of the day. Sometimes I pray that you'll be more senitive with the way you use words. But after considering it all, thats just you isn't it? Months ago it was that way, now it is still. At times I really hate myself fer hesitating, hate myself fer tolerating. But what can I say when I look into the mirror and realise tears are rolling down those cheeks? I questioned my feelings, doubted it, betraying it. All in hopes fer a better tmr. But that day would hadn't come. tell me smething that is new, something that idk, maybe something that appeals to me.

Idw to be tie down by whatever you are trying to get me into. I still wanna be who I am

2008-11-15T01:46:00.002+08:00

Just got home not long ago from dinner with the tuition people. Went to Selegie, & had steamboat. The food was rather nice, but the service was slow. Anw, I realised pork cooked in tomyum soup had no pork taste. Hence, I ate pork today, without having to taste the pork taste I dread. LOL! Coooooooooooool! Evidence of me not being a muslim.

Earlier in the day, mum finally decided to bring me out to shop. HAHA! She didn't wanna go too far, ended up in Velocity, Novena. I managed to jog a little more today, but the lack of willpower I guess?

I thought about all of it as a whole, from the time I knew you
til now.
There was much sacrifices we made individually to make
everything we have or been through possible.
No doubt, there was fun. But inevitably, there were times
where we would fer the rest of our lives, wanna believe it didn't
occur.
Those harsh words said to spite each other, those jealousy
games we played, sometimes I prayed that you knew what I knew.
Nevertheless we've been through this months, flawed but
satisfied.
I don't know if we're heading towards the end, but I just hope
we'll be a little prepared fer the worst to come.
Friends would last til the end of the day, unless we were more than that.

2008-11-13T23:38:00.003+08:00

13nov.
Headed to Bugis with A, shopped & met up with K. FINALLY caught my HSM3! heh, its NICEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. e show was at 2155! hence, we couldn't slack much due to the timing of the last train. photos taken bef the train came.

14nov.
I was horribly reluctant to get out of the bed this morning. Had no idea why I was that tired, but yeah. Met up, & kinda played hide-and-seek with a security guard. LOL! cheap thrills. ohwells.

the younger days?

Lastly, the reason why we're in school U. Champions Tea.

I LOVE THE '08 TEAM!
WE'RE CHAMPIONS IN EVERY ASPECTS!

2008-11-12T01:39:00.005+08:00

Os ARE OFFICIALLY OVER!

have been dreaming of this day since idk when. hahaha! e day where studying is striked off the to-do-list, and play is now on the MUST-do-list. hahaha. its time to catch up with people that I chose to ignore during the Os period, esp Resonate I suppose.

Hadn't been to church fer ages, though I admit that I felt weird on Sunday, and I really had the urge not to go, I went. It didn't seemed as bad as I thought, but standing in front of those knobs and buttons that I had worked with months ago was kinda stressful. I almost died during sound check.

Though the last paper, my hopes fer it was as high as ever I guess. Well, who doesn't want an A? Who doesn't wanna score full marks fer a mcq paper? I suppose my nights spent on studying didn't really pay off well, cos I lost to Mrsoon afterall. Thats not really the main point, but ultimately, it was way below what I wanted. ohwells, I couldn't care more now.

Had my hair dyed! Bid goodbye to the natural? uneven brown hair, and I'm now with greyish brown and orange highlights. HAHA! Yeh, the orang utan colour.

Met up with Audrey, then Chinyan. Caught Quantium Of Solace. I think James Bond overdoes his stunts, any single one would have died through those falls and cuts. Its alright. Chinyan didn't join us fer the later part of the night, cos he had work the next day. Met up with Huiping and headed to Sembawang!

Our budget dinner.
Kang Kong, Chicken Wings, Tofu on hot plate & curry fish head.

Audrey drank the curry instead of her own drinks!

Didn't take any photos with Chinyan. But yeah, the rest are here.

miles away from warmth,

heart as cold as stone.

2008-10-16T17:22:00.002+08:00

guess i'll post about graduation some time ltr, maybe after O's when I finish collating photos and uploading them.

well, since the start of the year, we've been talking about today, anticipating today, waiting fer the day to come. In the midst of studying, I do admit that sometimes I wished O's will just be the next day, and I'll get it over and done with. But last night, when I was tossing and turning in bed, I realised how unprepared I was fer today, and the following days.

The long anticipated day is finally a few hours away, having prepared for so long, I thought I could have an easy night. But as I flipped through my chemistry textbook, I figured that there was so much so much that I didn't know. Though Chemistry was my more preferred subject, the stress and pressure fer the moment and the hours after reached the peak.

Though my eyes was closed, appearing to be asleep, my mind couldn't seemed to take a break. I knew I had to sleep, I knew I needed to sleep, but my mind just wouldn't cooperate. Without alarm, I got out of the bed at 0630, then forcing myself to continue sleeping.

After going through the experiments, I felt disheartened. I am now further away from my target. Time is really running out, yet the anxiety have left me breathless, speechless. I used to joke about myself coming in top 10 in the school, or winning some top students at school. Those were just random jokes, to liven up my day.

Its tough. Managing time, stress and pressure. Guess the process of preparing for O's is more challenging than handling O's itself. I can't help it but to tell myself I have to do well this time round. I don't have much choice, do I?

Time really flies, a moment ago I still had 50 odd days, now O's have officially started for me. Practicals down, left with theory papers. Was just wondering, if I performed and get what I wanted, will you be happy? But I know, if I don't do well, you'll definitely not be glad.

Monday is the start of the intensive examination block. I really hope by then my confidence and knowledge will multiply. Concocting magic, praying for a miracle to happen.

2008-09-14T20:05:00.007+08:00

I miss soccer

2008-09-03T23:20:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I really do wonder if I'm doing things right. Come to think of it, each time I'm required or forced into a situation, handling tremendous fear and stress, I tend to rely on my trustable friends' care. Then seeking their opinion to help remedy the situation, doing what they think I should do, doing what they think its right, doing what they think will harm me the least. Realising all this, have made me understand how much this people really do mean to me, and how much this people have done fer me. On the countary, I've also realised how useless I am. Escaping has been my forte. Denying the truths has been my profession.

Upon making major decisions, friends' opinions have to be sought. Even until the point when the decision is made, I'll still be pondering if that will be right. Often contradicting myself. Claiming to know what has to be done, and how is has to be done. But deep down, what do I really know?

Often making decisions in a hurry, then realising that it isn't right. Followed by regretting, and then grumbling. My life revolves about this particular cycle and it wouldn't get any better than that. Instead, things get more complex as I grew other, my decisions didn't only affect myself. But it also involves the individuals around me. Sometimes even affecting the mood of others.

You asked me how I'd go about seeking fer the perfect remedy. Honestly, I wish I could really tell you I don't know. I really don't know how I could resolve this matter to bring you minimum hurt, or rather no hurt at all. The stress comes from your tears. Have you figured that out? There's just so much that I've been worrying fer and thinking of, that kept me from doing what I feel I ought to do. Yet to you, I'm procrastinating, I'm keeping you in suspense. I did ask fer advice, but I've been also weighing the consequences of my actions.

I may be procrastinating, I may be stealing time. But all I ask is fer a little more of your patience. I will think of something, and I can think of something. And I suppose this would be all I can tell you fer now. Cos I can't even understand my own thinking, let alone understanding you.

It works the same way as, I can't even take care of myself, so how do you expect me to take care of you? Whether you take it literally, or you really do understand what I'm trying to say. I don't really want to care. I know this is gonna cause you to be really upset. But hey, just let me get my revision done. Let me get my O's done.

I swear, you'll get what you're waiting fer, as soon as this period is over.

2008-09-01T00:37:00.001+08:00

2008-08-31T04:09:00.002+08:00

26Aug
Finally am 16! hahaha.
thanks fer all the wishes, all the gifts, hugs and so on. :D
Resonates-
heh, thanks love! fer the beachball, fer the crown and the meal. i know i haven't been attending church fer quite sometime, well. i'll really try to get myself back there. trust me. i'll be there someday soon. thanks fer remembering, and bothering to take time out from your busy schedules to celebrate fer me :D love.
Dwarfs, snow white & giant, audrey-
thanks all :D fer the bottle, the big card and the cake. guess i haven't been a really good friend fer this whole period of time. :x really thank you fer the shocking surprise. i didn't know it was meant fer me until when we were taking group photo! haha. thanks people. i love you guys. :D
Jo-
thanks fer the gift girl. ha, i love pooh! LOL. alright, i really hope to see you soon! can't wait fer hols, cause thats when i know i'll gna have yr company again! hahaha. I LOVE YOU TO DEATH!
Horny-
hey, thanks fer the pudding :D i sorta finished the edible part of it eh! hahaha. thanks thanks. :D

okay, i blv i would have missed out some. sorry :x

28Aug
HAPPY BIRTHDAY GERMAINE, PINDONG :D
Germaine, I finally celebrated my birthday without having to share the cake with you! Aww. Lol. The silly girl cried when my birthday was celebrated on her actual day and she didn't get to blow off my candles. haha.

29Aug
was teachers' day celebration.
the first lady visited our school. performance was rather good fer this particular celebration. &as usual, the most anticipated performance every celebration, deyi military band. got the video. shall upload it someday, when I have nothing better to do.

30Aug
HAPPY BIRTHDAY HUIJUN! :D
school was in such a awkward silence today, without band and ncc. Rosani, Kaiyun & I seemed to be the only few in school.

Term3 has finally came to an end. Ytd seemed only to be the start of it. Time really pass real fast when it is the most crucial at this point of time. Guess its really time fer me to get serious, and get down to my work. O's are so near that I'm starting to freak out. Its just much undone, but too little time left.

Sometimes I really wish I could comprehend my own thoughts. Just because I do not know what exactly I want, I ended up hurting you again and again. I really wish I could spare your agony. &if you asked, I swear I've never lied to you bef. All that I've been saying, I really mean it. You're still as important to me, You're still as dear to me. It hadn't change, and I blv it wouldn't change.

I've ever had you so close to me, holding on to you so tightly, given the chance to never let go. Cherishing the every moment spent with you. But reality smacked me hard enough, that I'm not allowed to be selfish to keep you beside me. Someone like you should deserve someone more worthy, someone more capable of providing you what you really need. &that I'm just not the one that you should spend months dwelling on.

Hence, until the day when I know how to handle all that is going on. Until the day when I am worthy enough to be just a friend of yours. Until the day when I'm sure I wouldn't be the reason of those tears. Until the day when I'm sure I wouldn't take you fer granted. I would look up fer you, to honour my promise with you.
Trust me, I would appear at your door step. I really would.
You've promised to wait fer the coming of this day, did you?

It's a promise sealed with a kiss.
The kiss that spoke a thou words that only you & I know.

2008-08-24T22:36:00.002+08:00

the end of olympics.
hopefully its the end of all distractions as well.
its only less than 55 days to my first O's paper. GOSH!

its the 24th today, 1 more day, and i'll be one year older.
does it, will it make a difference?
having birthday in the midst of prelims, in the midst of the busy preparation fer O's is never fun. considering that it'll be once a lifetime sweet 16.
ever thought of how glad i would feel being 16, how fun i would make my birthday turn out to be. but that was just a child's dream i guess. ranking celebrating my own birthday tgt with studying, i wonder which should be first.

it would take me years to forget your smile.
trust me, its tough to get over you.
&i wouldn't wanna do so.

2008-08-24T00:26:00.002+08:00

my nonsensical remark sometimes really do relight those hopes you have.
my actions have really placed you in clouds' nine at times.

i should have put myself in your shoes, bef making those outrageous remarks.
after reading your offline msg, i do agree that we ever had really fun and great times together. complementing that, we have times that we practically would never wanna mention about once more. everything was fine until tears was brought into e picture. those tears shed, did bring about much guilt. deep down, i may have alr gotten use to how it is living with your love, being assured time and time again of your presence. often taking the easier and more comfortable way, i choose to keep quiet about it, and ctn living at the expense of your heartache.

there's no need fer everything to return to the past.
just have a turning point, and allow everything to be back on the path it was supposed to be.

the entire friendship was built on the basis of platonic love, then it went haywire. thinking about it, the overall process was hurtful and teary. torturing and tiring most of the time. we may have our best times, times that as friends we'll never get to have. but all e major setbacks just fer the few our of joy that is impractical and false, i would rather search fer pure joy.

re-tracking everything would seem tough and most probably nearly impossible right now. but we've been through the toughest time ever, and i'm sure this would be something really easy to overcome, if we work towards the same goal.

I'm still that pillar of yours.
the promises i've made, would never cease.
the trust and faith in you, would never decrease.
the love i had fer you, would never lessen.
its just the perception we're gna have that is gna be different.

my friend, i'm truly sorry.

2008-08-22T14:38:00.002+08:00

Left with the sciences and half of each math paper fer prelims, and it's considered done.
well, there's only 55 days left to O's. ):

what if, it never happens?
am i suppose to pretend nothing has happened?

e 23rd tmr,
love you baby. hugs.

2008-08-18T17:52:00.003+08:00

Down with fever and breathing difficulties at the very last min.
This happened bef mids too. argh, hopefully this wouldn't before my Os.

Prelims are resuming on the 20th, one day away.
The medicines are causing me to feel so giddy that I can't even do my revisions. I've effectively wasted a day.

On a lighter note, I've found a way to get my unlimited free text! haha. I removed my daddy's 3.5g sim card from his laptop, and put into my handphone. HAHA! but yeah, won't be using much of it since I have alr gotten my prepaid. lol. or maybe I'll get rid of the prepaid.

2008-08-17T16:14:00.002+08:00

whatever it is, CELINE IS GNA RETAKE HER CHINESE Os.
truth it, I'm still sitting on the fence. Its after all a 50-50 chance, & I guess no harm trying fer it. I'm never good in my chinese, maybe it'll still be that way 2 months ltr, getting a B4 at the end. But I guess I would feel better knowing that I've tried again.

English orals are over, so was English Prelims.
I seriously hope prelims wouldn't come so fast, then Os wouldn't too.
Have been trying to mug, and mugging at late hours. Hopefully it'll really prove its worth when I take my results.

2008-08-11T02:31:00.002+08:00

Gosh, my curfew should be like how it is currently. Then I would have openly spend more time with Jo without having to rush. grr.

Finally went out to study, after ytd. haha. Alright, it was pretty interesting today. When my phone suddenly beeped so much that I thought it got hanged or sth, but it was a total of 4 texts sent simultaneously by 4 different people, asking the exact same thing. HAHA. seems like i've been missed? awwwwww. HAHA!

Ro called me today! :D

haven't spoke to her fer ages. yeah, i love you man! hahaha.

though the major bulk of the conversation was about swimming. but that was our only common interest. haha. be back soon.

well, really glad that we've made up. you know it.

i swear, there wouldn't be a second time when this would happen again. :D

i'm glad that it all ended last night. well, it was really pointless fer you to keep dragging anyways. besides, knowing that i love you, wouldn't it be more than sufficient! hahaha. alrighty. there goes the special dedication to you. haha.

its all within the contract, sealed with a kiss.
authentic and sincere. isn't it?

2008-08-09T12:19:00.002+08:00

Happy Birthday Singapore.

Going through the National Day as a 16 year old this year. I'd rather I never get this public holiday, and Singapore never celebrate this day. The purpose of National Day this year, wouldn't be a reminder of how old Singapore is, but the countdown of less than 5 days to prelims, worse, how near Os are.

Finally after so many days, I'm staying at home. Though I know I wouldn't be able to concentrate and study today, but it kinda feels great being at home the whole day. Guess today will be my self-proclaimed break.

Had weird dreams last night. One of which was really funny. Woke up wondering why I even dreamt of it. Well, it may be true in the near future, who knows? But it'll only be possible if Celine studies hard enough.

As fer the other, I believe that it'll never come true.

"You wouldn't know how much you mean to me. Though I know I might mean absolutely nothing to you."
"I'm aware. You don't mean absolutely nothing to me. If I were to say it nicely, you're just someone that I know will be there when the whole world falls on me. But it just means that you're my backup plan."
I'd only wanna hear the good stuff.

2008-08-07T23:07:00.002+08:00

"Tell me what went wrong?"
"You, your love, everything single thing about you."
How true. Its about how I am.

2008-08-06T23:57:00.003+08:00

have been attempting to mug these few days.

i suppose at some times, it sure did turn out well.

but yeah, today's self-study was really horrible. cos i couldn't concentrate.

ohwells.

got a really bad rash on e back of my neck, apparently, it looks gross. has the looks of chicken pox or sth. but yeah, it isn't. thank God.

have been either studying with ryan, hh & irene or with aud & lai.

studying out really drives me out of cash.

currently overdraft.

"I love you, my dear".
"I've got to be honest, you're the last on my list".
thanks.

2008-08-01T23:03:00.002+08:00

its friday again.

woke up at 630, decided to stay home to do some revision on my own instead. went fer school just fer the ss SEQ and SBQ. wth, i studied the wrong thing. ohwells. have to start copying those pages soon. did titration.

irene, horny, ryan and i went j8 to study. managed to do a fair bit of math. went to run a few errands, then tuition. happy enough fer my chemistry mock score :D

considering today with the other days, it should be the best out of the entire week. time is running out.

PRELIMS IN 14/15 DAYS, O LEVELS IN 76 DAYS.

Maybe the quarrels are just your way of expressing your care.
Cos I know, between the both of us, you'll be the last to give up.
& You're the first, to give it your all.
I love you.

2008-07-29T22:47:00.002+08:00

having the sudden urge to go on a shopping spree, but then again, i keep wanting to lock myself in. not to study, but just to spend my time away.

Locking myself in, might not be such a bad idea anyway. And at least, I might still be able to live in denial, without having to face the decreasing number as days pass. I'm seriously trying to study, but I do feel the mental block and the occurring mental breakdown that's about to take place.

I still don't feel it, do I?

Or have I soon became numb to it?

I realised the cruelty of emptiness, but what can I do?

23^rd.
I swear, you're the most ideal and wanted 23^rd I would ever ask fer.
Trust me, I'll never take you fer granted again.

2008-07-27T13:02:00.003+08:00

feeling awkwardly free today.

just felt like cramping myself in bed today, don't feel like meeting anyone.

having tonnes to finish, but I'm just reluctant to move.

thanks fer e past 3 weeks my dear.

well it was really fun during the 3 weeks that Jo was around. though tiring, cos of the long hrs that i stay out, but i really did enjoy myself. doing hrs of nothing, travelling to like 13places in a few hrs. those are stuff that i would never accompany anyone else to do, cos its simply crazy. never frgttng occasional trips and falls that would make e 2 of us laugh all the way, and the ballet dancing in the middle of no where.

guess i really have to start studying, cos prelims are getting ridiculously near. have been kinda neglecting my studies. shall pick it up, & hopefully do well fer my prelims. won't wanna regret my initial decision.

i'll do all i can, to bring a 11.

2008-07-20T20:55:00.002+08:00

a moment ago, or rather few hrs ago. i mentioned i do miss home, starting to appreciate the presence of my family.

its only just one night, but who cares.

whatever that i've felt fer the past one week, should be just a weird perception i had with a wrong mind. no, i do not miss home. i was feeling more than free when i was there, a pool away. though it is not faraway, but i has certainly reduced the amt of scoldings and quarrels i had with my parents.

being there, there's no need to be who they want me to be. i don't have to put on a pretense each time i step out of my room. feeling extremely comfortable there.

tonight's encounter only brings me greater affirmation that at e right time, i will move to another country to finish up my studies, like how i planned to years ago. yes i would, i seriously will. &fer that, i'll make full use of my next 88 days, to increase my chance of making my dream come true.

when you watch me go, don't ask me to stay.
cos its you who made me wanna leave.
7 years ago, you thought it was merely just a joke.
now, i want you to know, its more than just truth.
its no longer just sth i would say out of impulse.
its sth, fer the first time, celine wants.

2008-07-19T23:21:00.002+08:00

I MISS HOME D:

after one week, i'm back here in my own room. HA! it just feels different being somewhere else, and home. the comfort level, and maybe considering my family's presence? i have no idea. being away from home, though its just across the pool. i can feel my parents' joy every morning when they see me. being a pool away, gives them lesser chances to scold me. maybe fer a short period of time, this would kinda improve e relationship with my parents? idk, but i feel so.

just got home from movie, the dark knight.

nice show, but not a very good ending.

i do realise how much i mean to you, judging from yr gestures. your goodness, i felt it. blinded by the comfort of living under someone's care and comfort, i've neglected the fact that maybe i should too return that goodness.

just wanna let you know, deep deep deep down in me, you won't be replaced. i'm aware that there are times when my mood can undergo tremendous change, and i would really wanna apologise fer those periods that i've caused you to be in difficult and helpless situations. bearing with all my nonsensical rubbish, you hung on tight enough, never leaving me behind.

after all the bullshit i've said some on impulse and without much though, causing you to tear right bef me. have my pinkie hooking on to yours, it'll never happen again in yr life.

fer all the major and minor things you've taken care of, this is my most honest reply.

love, ily fer the things you've done. neglected you enough but am learning how to treasure you right now. fer i've no idea, how i would be without you. i won't promise you tmr, but you'll have the best of today.

2008-07-14T16:16:00.002+08:00

have e sudden urge to post, but ultimately i'm just procrastinating cos i have to start shifting my stuff over to the opposite apartment. gosh, kill me.

intended to post photos, but after i realise i have to transfer the pics from my phone to the com. nah, the pics shall only remain in the phone fer me to view (:

school was kinda alright today. just didn't like the talks and lectures about how close olevels are. apparently i think i'm aware that as each day the sun sets, the days are getting closer. i'm also pretty aware that fer this 2 weeks, i wanna keep myself away from staring at the decreasing no.

kinda realise school is major time wasters so to speak.

when you sit there and hrs of lessons just don't get in. &you actually realise that you can do 10x more when you're left on yr own. honestly, other and math, humanities and physics, i don't really listen. cos it'l just confuse me further.

my dear, those days, these days.

the intensity of yr love; i felt it.

2008-07-13T23:32:00.002+08:00

just somehow, its decided that i shift into my granny's fer this period of time while i'm mugging fer Os. so yeah, its supposed to be a decision that sorta help save both critical problems. hopefully it does.

my granny needs someone to live with her, as she has just been discharged. still walking with a stick, unable to really take care of herself.
i have a problem studying at home, cos i tend to get distracted with the scv, internet and hse phone. or else, i would be worse than a dead log, lying on my bed.

being with my granny's, there's no internet, no scv and fer some reasons, no hse phone too. the room as only a closet, a bed and a table. yes, its almost like a hostel.

so, fer this period of time, i may not come online. cos laptops aren't allowed there. at most i'l just use my ipod to come online fer a few mins, &i'l have to bounce back to my books. hopefully this ideal arrangement would help me curb my phobia, and also help me prepare myself well enough fer my studies.

&as i was thinking, i promise, i'll start mugging aft 2 weeks.

2008-07-11T22:58:00.002+08:00

haven't been really blogging.

heh, my best friend is back in sg. :D

i feel so distracted the entire day. fer some fucking reasons, things are just not going the way i want it to. screw my life. seriously. prelims are coming closer, so is Os. yes yes, i'm feeling it. but i have seriously more than just finishing revisions to worry fer. my phobia is killing me. if i don't get over my phobia, no amt of revision wil help me through Os.

celine is breaking down in no time.

2008-07-03T22:26:00.004+08:00

29'06

as usual I went to church. somehow I feel more attached to the usual group of us nowadays ;D

watched wanted with shawn & ken. NICE :D hahha. though the rats part was a lil gross, but yeah, the gunshots and all were freaking cool.

met aud after which, went to study.

30'06

school.

had to write our own testimony, i feel hard praising myself. however, it did made me start pondering what actually did i do, or have i done during this 4years. its all the fun i've recalled, but when was the serious me? &as i started thinking, soccer seriously gave me my huge sense of accomplishment. cos its where i found myself. esp aft the Bintan camp, i realised i've changed. my views and perception of what a real leader is, is no longer as ambiguous and vague as it was in the past.

on the whole, my coming to 4 years journey in deyi, comprises of all sorts of different experience. &i suppose, its this 4 years, where i grew and learn the most.

went to lunch & study with aud again.

tuition after which.

01'07

had my chinese orals.

don't ask, i screwed it =x

lunched with andrea & kaiyun at pepper lunch. THANKS ANDREA :D

since the reopen of school until today, this is my first lunch with them.

how busy are we!

02'07

it was a seriously hilarious day. loll.

alrighty, laughed my ass off at school. thn at tuition. gosh!

had science tuition.

my phone is finally repaired & retrieved ! ;D

03'07

being such a beloved senior, i taught constance & regina chemistry today. not as if i've got a flair fer it or whatsoever. but i was just offering my help.

had lunch with andrea, thn aud came along. &home.

seriously slacking at home right now, with nothing else to do.

here comes tmr, when i suppose, its the day that i have been looking forward to, &the day i've been counting down to.

wish me luck tmr ;D

2008-06-28T19:04:00.002+08:00

thanks fer the few promises you've made.

i know that you don't have to make those promises, but yeah, you just made them in order fer me to feel good and assured. after the phone call i do feel selfish, i'm sorry.

don't worry, i'l tell you soon, &you'll be able to find yr next 23rd.

didn't manage to sleep last night. fucking tired right now.

i hate the weekends man. i rather be at school, slogging through my day and night then to be at home getting scolded fer more than half the time. wtf.

i'm the only one getting picked at. fuck you, don't expect me to compromise with that sort of tone.

2008-06-27T15:56:00.005+08:00

School as per normal.

I'm seeing you real soon, am i right?

at least i know how you really feel.

2008-06-25T21:02:00.001+08:00

很多话我不知怎么让你知道，

所以才会选着了逃避。

我也不知我要逃到几时，

可是现在如果我不说你会知道吗?

2008-06-25T16:09:00.006+08:00

came back home straight after school today, to clear all the assignments. well, I really dread to open up the Marife. idk why. =x

had pe today. floorball, its quite fun! but i think i prefer playing it with Nicholas instead. the blacks were kinda violent.

fer some reasons, I'm starting to lose my mind over integration. this cannot work, seriously not. still hoping fer my A in my math.

R just called today in the afternoon ;D

gosh, she's coming back on the 30th, instead of the original 4th then 2nd. hahaha! fickle-minded! but yeah, the sad thing is, I can't pick her up that night =/ and cos I'm not allowed back in Ace, I'm not allowed to be there during their training, so I can't go out with R. like wth! that busy girl has only 5days in sg bef leaving fer Mexico. &she's fully booked by trainings, therefore no outing with her. not even receiving her or sending her off. ):

R, goodluck fer your international youth com in Mexico ;D

My Greatest Fear.
&I suppose its the fear of losing you ultimately. I seriously have no idea why I have that fear, I'm supposed to have my full trust in you. Maybe cos previously your love was an insurance. Thus I never had that impression we'll drift, but right now, I'm starting to get worried.
but you seemed so in love, so serious. it subconsciously causes to me to keep retreating. whatever feelings i had, all being shoved aside, standing at a corner watching over you. at times I tried revealing myself, but you're too busy fussing over your matters, too busy loving the someone else, that you don't even care how I feel.
we used to be such best friends, knowing every dirty lil secret about each other. telling each other the weirdest thing on earth. when i'm upset, i know you'll be the only one listening to me.
I'm supposed to be happy and excited right now I guess, but instead that fear is building up. do YOU know? where were you the past weeks!? you've totally disappeared.

2008-06-24T15:49:00.002+08:00

School started ytd.

the classroom was repainted and it did look a lil bigger as compared to the past. somehow i missed those cartoon drawings on the wall, and that police car behind me. ohwells! went to meet shawn, ken and wy after sch to clear up some homework. those assignments are driving crazy, seriously crazy! so many many things to do, and i can barely save myself. RAH!

came back home right after school today. finished up only the tuition homework, when can i finish the Marife! ): i don't wanna start on it.

chinese O level orals are next week. mine is on tues. HAHAHAHA!

i can't really recognise chinese words, i wonder how will it turn out to be.

the 23^rd
will you be around fer my next 23^rd? sorry.
Ily, love.

2008-06-22T14:40:00.003+08:00

Saturday.

woke up in the morning, and realised I had to do sth to my hair. so yeah, I was fussing over it in front of the mirror fer bloody long to try get those unintentional spikes down. but, I most probably failed to do so la.

Resonates was at 330, and I was having lunch at 3, at home. how cool! was actually early fer Resonates aft all the rushing, but ended up in Cavana with debs, I wonder why? hahahaha!

Played cards with them, quite a cool game (:

Sunday.

mixed today, alrights.

Ted came back fer a visit, haha.

church was as per normal ba. ;D

school is starting. gosh!

have it ever occurred to you that I still do love you? I wonder.

2008-06-20T16:28:00.002+08:00

Finding it hard to start revising on stuff so that I wouldn't go back to school not knowing a single shit. But yeah, so much fer the thought, its not turning into actions. Gosh.

"were you hurt?" is definitely more impt than "was i hurt?"

I still rmb how you would bother to go, "Goodnight Love".

2008-06-19T22:21:00.002+08:00

visited my dad's godmother.

i seriously think its stupid, and my presence is totally not needed. to be frank, i feel that she's just a total stranger to me. what's the point of us being up at her place, when her godson isn't? this has totally nothing to do with me being filial. i have 2 grandmothers, thats all i know.

it may sound crude, but no one uds me.

out with wy.

YEAH MAN! i learnt much more stuff today. haha. though shopping was tiring, and bringing her around in orchard was tough. but yes, still alright. on the account that i learnt much! heh. ;D

visited granny.

so glad she looked so much better. after this week, i bet she'll have lesser visitors. due to everyone's hectic schedule, its gna be tough ensuring their presence everyday.

hope she recovers in no time.

Seeing the light, could be true.

I seriously wanna have absolutely nothing to do with you. Though I'm not sure if its possible, I will try. I'll keep myself away from things regarding you.

2008-06-18T11:19:00.002+08:00

Good things will always come to an end.

I used to be the center of attraction in your life, where everything revolves around me. Every single things you do, I'm noted with love. Even things that are yet to happen, I will hear about it.

Through the months, I do admit things change. There's always ups and downs in life, and that's inevitable. I did enjoy myself when I had all the attention I ever dreamt of, when you treated me with love and a decent respect. So much so that I started taking things fer granted, thinking that thats the way you should treat me.

In countable days, I'm gna have to see you again. In situations where I cannot make myself scarce, I cannot find simple excuses to get out of the picture. Those days seemed to have happened so quickly, I have had insufficient of it yet, would you give me a glimpse of the past once more?

Not being afraid to get close to you, I'm just reluctant. Reluctant to see the change in you, reluctant to admit that you're no longer my_.

I know we're not supposed to be avoiding each other, but we have been. Causing each other to start worrying about the other party. All the detours that we took, are starting to cause me to feel so jealous. The jealousy I'm feeling now, is really so indescribable. Fer the whole of last night, I promised myself to keep my eyes off it, to keep my mind free from it. But it just comes so uncalled fer. Cos even when I'm asleep, it haunts me through my dream.

Dearest-

if only things can be like how it was in the past.

if only I've learnt how to appreciate you in the past.

if only I've learnt how to be contented with your actions.

if only I've learnt how to treasure you.

if only I've learnt how to express myself earlier.

maybe all this wouldn't have taken place at all?

all this jealousy are just a retribution, and its just a form of my punishment.

dearest-

iloveyou. is it too late?

i got the answer here, right here.

2008-06-17T20:37:00.003+08:00

been having weird dreams lately, I can't really remember the exact details, but I'll just wake up in cold sweat. All I can recall is the ending, which is what woke me up, and its freaking me out. Having the tendency of being able to dream about what's occuring in the near future, I dare not think much about it. But its more than worrying.

After seeing everything, somehow I feel that there's some truth in those dreams. God, please tell me that its all not true.

Its more than freaky to be haunted by dreams!

hols are ending in no time. darn! haven't got sufficient play, and I've been living in pure denial of having covered my revision through my hols. this is when I should say- WELL DONE CELINE! ;D

yeah right. I'm trying to get myself settled down to complete my revision or rather homework first. Hopefully so.

I shan't put the blame fer the happening on anyone. Cos its my fault fer not being able to push myself further. Gosh, I better start or else I'm gna have people breathing down my neck. =x

2008-06-17T00:54:00.003+08:00

had tuition in the morning.

met audrey & huiping.

wasn't planned to meet them, but just didn't feel like going home aft tuition. so headed to yishun to eat bk. ken, clarence and genny were there too.

shared much with them. thanks girls!

family bbq/gathering.

and as usual, there'll be a bbq every hols or sth.

had it at calrose this time round. did much of the cooking cos i seriously lost my appetite. granny came today, she was looking way better than days bef. great. the food was great i heard, done by paul this time round.

we used to have a bigger crowd, but it was only 18 people today.

i used to think my mum had the most ideal family that one would ever have, except the fact that my grandpa had passed away. being in the midst of them, makes me feel really fortunate, and loved. watching the way the brothers and sisters can casually comment on each other and reminisce the past together over a glass of wine, made me feel so blessed, encouraging me to patch up with my sisters each time i argue with them. and their other halves getting along so well with the rest of the family, as if they had been living together fer ages. their familiarity with each other really painted a warm, loving family picture. not forgetting my cousins. having closely-knitted relationships with my cousins, having my cousins splurge their love on me, made me feel even more treasured.

through years, things have really changed. like how it is in a drama, starting with the most delightful intro. well, things have really changed so much. its so drastic and fast that i wouldn't wanna believe it myself. its like those drama serial, quarrels between the in-laws. and yes, it is, though i really do not wish to admit. i've lost half of my most caring cousins, lost half of my most loving aunties and uncles. it may be their true colours, and i really do not wish to know. they seemed so strange to me.

somehow i wished, last year's christmas never happened.

the knight in the shining armor.

best friends fits our status best, if that's what you think.

there's no point debating over what's been said, no point getting so worked up, neither will there be a point if you get guilty over the matter and the tears shed. as i've said, i'm the one that ought to be blamed. cos i failed to treasure the goodness of you, your meticulous care fer me, your undivided attention. my ignorance must have brought you distress and much hurt at the same time. you had been putting aside all this i've done, and ctn treating me as though i was some princess. but i've overlooked it.

if you think that is it, it should be.

2008-06-13T20:39:00.002+08:00

I'm finally home from all the traveling to and fro from hospitals, and meals. Yes! Like finallyyyyyyyyyyyyy...

Woke up at 7 today. Had a terrible time trying to get myself out of the bed, like duhhhh! So yeh, had so rush rush rush, cos my aunt is gna pick me up out of goodwill. Alright, she's really nice. Considering that she's doing what my mum would have to do.

Sent my godbro to school, and was dropped off at Serangoon. Gosh, I miss purple line! Joy is such a silly girl, she doesn't even know how to look out fer the correct exit which spells SGH. grr, so annoying taking the mrt with her, leading her around and having her asking me if I was right -.- !?

Granny looked tonnes better, forced her to do her physiotherapy today, despite of the pain that she said she was experiencing. I feel so mean, but yeh, bear with it, and you'll be able to go fer tree-top-walks with us soon ;D and i swear, we're gna have a bbq when you can walk ! nic and I promised to cook as soon as granny can get her knee bent to 90deg.

Alright, spent the whole day at the hospital trying to cheer granny up with my crap. Nic tried by using his handsome face. Ha! I realised entertaining people is such a tiring job! Was supposed to have tuition today, but MrJason was sick. So we're gna have 5hrs of tuition next week. I seriously wonder how we gna survive it! =x

I'm really glad I have you, love.

Have to go to the hospital tmr fer granny's physiotherapy again. So yeah, tata! I'm off to bed, though I know its a lil early. But I seriously cbb, cos I'm too tired.

and YES,

BEN IS BACK !! (:

I can't blv I missed him though, but yes, I think I did a lil?

2008-06-13T00:16:00.002+08:00

gna have to wake up real early tmr, going to the hospital in the early morning to have breakfast with granny ;D

went to the hospital today.

she looked so much better as compared to ytd. hopefully she can walk real soon (:

the good news is- she is starting to eat ! wheeeee.

you seemed too cold to be true today. somehow i still cannot accept the way you treated me today at the hospital. it seemed as though the one that i have chatted with online fer 3days ago had disappeared. someone who is so forthcoming, someone who have always claimed she loved me the most.

it all started from the christmas incident. when i thought it was just a simple misunderstanding. cleared the following week. but it dragged on. your family started to drift way further that it seemed on the surface.

after that incident, it has certainly brought ben, paul and I closer. but the real pity is, the elder sister that had loved me dearly become so strange, so far.

i can get close to the brothers anytime any day. but right now, i wonder how long ltr, will we be able to get close like the past again. and i suppose, it'll take sometime. cos those harsh remarks, just can't be simply forgotten.

i sincerely pray that, whatever i have been hearing and thinking just isn't true. and you're still that jie, since i was born till now. no change.

2008-06-12T10:45:00.003+08:00

today is one of the earliest i've woken up on my own accord.

ytd wasn't really counted, cos mrzaman arranged a friendly match early in the morning.

alright, talking about the friendly match.

it was against bowen. the score was 2 : 2.

mhm. i felt that i played better fer this match comparing with the prev one against amkss.

i had more contact with the ball, and hit away a few chances fer the striker.

instead of merely chasing after the ball which i did fer amkss.

realised that the striker i defended ytd, was the one that i defended against the last time we played against bowen. HA!

and so, felt that the match was alright actually. learnt quite a no. of stuff.

but then, i only played first half, thanks to my mum.

its gna be a long story if i would to complain abt the whole quarrell i had with my mum.

but yeh, its settled. sorta. so yeh, i won't talk about it.

was supposed to go to the hospital to accompany my grandma as soon as i woke up.

my daddy called to say that i'm supposed to stay at home to monitor those workers.

so yeh, whatever it is. it isn't considered monitoring at all la.

i'm at my room, and they are in the balcony, doing whatever they have to. ha.

ohyeh.

i wanna try to do the beep test!

must try to beat the highest record set in the team during the last training.

i'm SO looking forward to the next time when we have a chance to do the beep test.

geez. hopefully i won't do badly =x

dearest. no, you're not dumb.

2008-06-11T00:14:00.002+08:00

just finished ranting everything at Jo.
feels better now. ;D

and as i was thinking, back then, i didn't expect myself to be still so close to Jo 5mnths ltr.
being in different countries, having different schedules, it seriously amazes me.
feeling really comforted now to have a friend like her ;D heh.
when no one else uds, she uds.
when no one else cares, she cares.
how great is that!? (:

granny gna have an op tmr. just had prayers with her and the rest.
really pray that she'll be fine, and brave.
hoping that she can get well to go jogging with me ;D
mahmah, 你要快点好起来！
就能向以前一样想去哪里，就去哪里！
明天，手术一定会很顺利！
所以你不必怕。
though its just a small op, as we all know.
but she seemed so worried about it.
did as much as i can as a granddaughter.
knowing that she hates her hse being dirty, i mopped the entire hse fer her this afternn.
knowing that she'll be afraid tonight, i'm currently accompanying her fer the night.

though i won't be going to the hospital with her tmr.
but yeah, i really wish her all the best ;D
will miss her cooking fer this period of time.

its gna be a long day today, since it has pass 12.
match in the morning, and hospital fer the rest of the day.
therefore, tata! ;D

2008-06-07T03:51:00.001+08:00

Sorry love.

2008-06-04T18:33:00.002+08:00

went to school in the morning. well, i don't feel like a sec4 at all. trying to start my revision, but i doubt its starting at all. i'm slacking most of the time.

its been dragging, and i wanna give it up.

i'm trying to, maybe one month ltr things will be different.

i don't know how to express myself.

but i do feel that way.

the only time when i feel needed and loved, is when you need me.

when you don't need me, i blv i'm just one that is standing in yr way and you dying to get rid of me.

though it'll hurt, but just let it be once and fer all ba.

2008-06-03T22:28:00.008+08:00

had bbq today at 1100, the logistics and music team (:

had lots of fun, though there's still school tmr.

there were about 15 of us, and uncle jeremy had a budget of 500$ !

the bbq meant to be an appreciation fer the work we've done, whatever it is, as long as we had fun ;D

group shots!

ken!

clarence!

kungfu panda!

bossman.

weiying.

ian proposing. hah

food offering!

it was supposed to be romantic.

ian and shawn

shawn (:

shawn and bryan

hah!

shawn.

ian, wy, shawn

ken

backdated photos.

2008-06-02T18:17:00.002+08:00

sent christin off last night at T3, she's off fer her China Immersion. ohwells, i do admit the house is gna be so much quieter without her, and she'll definitely be missed. took a photo with her last night, but its in her camera fer her to look at when she misses me =x aww, what a nice sis i am ;D

reached home at 2, and i only fell aslp ltr at 430. couldn't pull myself out of the bed this morning to attend the ss lesson, I'M SO SO SORRY! crapped at home the entire day, it certainly feel weird without someone coming to my door time to time, asking me the silliest questions i will hear, questioning my intelligence. ha, 6more days.

most of my friends left fer perak in the early morning too, people ENJOY YOURSELF! ;D

2008-05-31T22:04:00.005+08:00

i need someone that i can really talk to, like now. fer me to say anything i want freely, fer me to pour out whatever that is troubling me.

idk if i'm pissed, worried or disappointed. maybe its all 3. idk.

pissed cos you say you will, but you didn't.

worried cos idk if you're fine.

disappointed cos i feel that you don't care.

so why should i? maybe i should just leave you alone.

2008-05-31T11:23:00.000+08:00

one day i'll go crazy. i'm serious.

2008-05-29T20:27:00.004+08:00

last day of the compulsory study camp we had in school.

took quite a number of photos in school today. will upload it when I have the chance to, cos right now, I'm seriously damn lazy.

did all sorts of experiments today. chemistry and fer the first time, physics. it was all about mathematical calculation, but nevertheless, it was kinda fun. we had jokes on the pants that Irene wore too. out of all 3 days, I believe today's was the best out of all(:

down with slight flu, sniffing my way through.

must have caught a cold last night, and it had almost rained since the time I reached home until not long ago. determined to finish up all my loose ends, but was carried away by those thoughts and staring at the ripples left behind by the raindrops. fer the first time when I reach home so early, I don't have the dying desire to get out of the hse again or sleep. I sat by my bed, staring and thinking.

Been in such a mood fer going to a week, its definitely not dwelling in self-pity. but i've also realised how foolish I was to let it go. I am supposed to have gotten over it, and I am supposed to be fine with it. I thought I would be, I thought I am. It was pure happiness right before, I had smiles on my face every morning I wake up till the time I would shut my eyes. Refusing to acknowledge I would not bear to let go, reluctant to admit the fact that I can't take it, I let it off. Give it back to me now.

I don't know if you're feeling unhappy, but I think you are.

I don't know how I can make you feel happy, or how I can make you smile. Not being there with you, I can't really uds what you're going through. But I just want you to know, that no matter what, don't let anything affect your mood, cos it wouldn't change the fact. Don't get bothered about what people say and do, cos you'll still be who you are. Don't get pissed, cos that person won't know, and even if that person knows, that person doesn't care.

2008-05-28T22:57:00.002+08:00

have been attending school as though june holidays have not started.

somehow i wished, i do have the rights to ask fer a week's break.

ever since the mid years, I've been hanging out much with Andrea, Kaiyun, Rosani and Audrey. haven't been out with the rest yet. its been such a routine, school, going lunch with them, and home with Andrea. back at home, I'll start trying to resist against the fear, the emptiness. Its been going on and on.

just when I have you beside me, you're actually miles away.

tonnes of assignments waiting fer me to complete.

but i've not started, not a single piece at all.

2008-05-25T14:41:00.002+08:00

Its chinese O's tmr. Gosh, I'm so not prepared fer it. I can't rmb those phrases, and I'm really afraid I'll freak out tmr. Hopefully tmr is the last chinese ppr I'm gna sit fer this year. It better be, cos its chinese. Another of it, would definitely be a nightmare.

Alright, went to the yap's fer dinner last night. Everyone was like speaking chinese! Haha. Yeah, so I spent the time going through the bao zhang bao dao stuff tgt with wy. There's still so many that I do not know. Kill me man!

You turned my hse into a place where its filled with you, thanks. Its somewhere where I hate to be at now, its somewhere where I wish I'll never return to. Stuck in it fer the rest of the day, hoping to be able to concentrate studying and revising fer my chinese ppr. Hopefully I can really concentrate, cos all those thoughts are causing me to self-destruct. If by tmr I'm still not prepared, I doubt you'd even care.

2008-05-24T12:39:00.003+08:00

When I could finally get myself to sleep, I don't wanna wake up. I don't wanna find myself repeatedly seeing those words. I dragged and lazed around in bed, refusing to turn the button on. Cos I'm aware, once it is on, I would never get my eyes off it. Where I can see your true emotions, the part of you I've never seen through the years, where you are fully honest with your heart, where you are willing to tell your silliest thoughts.

I found it by luck, and now, its stuck within me. Its where I would ask myself what kinda friend am I. Where I would search deep within, wanting to know how can I help you, what can I do? I would honestly admit, you'll be the last I would wanna hurt, but yet ..

Though there isn't special memories, you'd always be my best friend.

2008-05-24T01:26:00.002+08:00

You might or might not know its you.
But right now, I know. I know how much I've done this time round, I know how much those casual comments have hurt you. Being unable to apologise to you face to face, I shall say, I'm utterly sorry fer my insensitivity and I'm truly disappointed in myself fer being unable to detect any difference out of your usual indifferent behavior.

Everything came to me as a shock. What I did not know, what I did not expect would happen, was told right at my face. Fer that very moment, I remained stunned. The helpless feeling never seemed to cease each time I think of what I've said, and the looks of you. Fer the years of friendship, I actually needed someone to break the news to me or I would remain ignorant.

Ignorance fer this matter is definitely not bliss. I've said and done many wrongs, which I should be held accountable fer. Looking from different point of views, I may not be at wrong, suggesting that this isn't the outcome I've wanted. But no, I don't wanna leave you in the lurch. I was the one that said it in that manner, in the place, without being discreet with the language used. I was wrong, no doubts. Yet I know my guilt will never be able to atone fer what I've said and done, neither will it lessen your burdens and grief.

Knowing the full picture now, I just need you to trust me once more and I'm sure and confident, I'll walk you out of it. Trust me, just fer this once.

2008-05-22T20:50:00.002+08:00

I just wanna be a good girl from now on. No more nonsense from me until exams are officially over, which also means, the Os.

Alright, its officially the last day of INTENSIVE chinese. well, I really felt that my chinese did improve, all thanks to mrkoh. he is very patient and slow to anger. haha. he answers all my primary school like qns, and didn't get irritated at all. ;D

School was dismissed early today cos of the parent teacher meeting session. Got back our report books, and I would really wanna thank mdmloke fer her advices she gave on how I can improve my chinese over the next few nights. I'm gonna try to do well fer chinese, fer once.

Played an hour of lonely soccer downstairs, but it was nevertheless enriching and entertaining.
Yes, its true. Whatever you guys have been observing and hearing, its all true. It came to an abrupt end, where there is least possibilities fer another try. I was in the wrong, to have trust unreliable sources, I neglected the fact that trust was the key factor, thinking that whatever was true was just denial. Everything was simple and right, but I just had to screw things up. Still hoping fer maybe a messiah or a deus ex machina to help me arrest the entire matter, when I actually just needed a knock on my head, telling me how foolish I was. It was the wrong choice made, I know.

2008-05-21T19:28:00.004+08:00

I've been dying to change my blogskin damn long ago and after searching, I've decided to just use the plain ones provided by blogger. was just trying to find something to do to entertain me just now.

anyway, its chinese again today. our class was checked fer hand food and mouth disease. Thus we're separated from the whole 4E5N, to go to our class to take the test, where we were checked and briefed the symptoms of hfmd. Did another round of mock exam, paper 2.
One more day to go, and no more chinese intensive ;D

lai, ros and andrea came over to my place today. lol. they came just to watch cartoon network. -.-
did my routines right aft they left.

I'm dreading to start on my chinese essays. Kill me, I can't do chinese =/

right now, to you,
everything seems to be just a lie.

2008-05-20T20:32:00.002+08:00

had intensive chinese fer the day, and its really intensive. lol. did 2 compos, and one paper 2! omg, i have never done so much chinese or attended so many hrs of chinese lessons at a go bef. guess when this intensive chinese thing ends, i'll be somewhere near being dead. haha.
i almost died during the 5hrs of non-stop chinese. kill me!

chinese O's are coming closer. its less than a week away now. i'm so not prepared, but i really don't know how am i to prepare myself?! i'm so not confident fer the ppr, somewhere somehow something tell me not to hope fer a good grade to avoid lesser disappointment. really wondering how i'm gna conquer my O's that way.

O levels is depriving me of my human rights, filling my everyday schedule with only study and revision. thats my world right now, being like a total nerd somehow. Rah, take it away from me! wishing to be part of the IP prog. lolll!

2008-05-16T19:52:00.002+08:00

just when i handed in the scripts, i knew i wouldn't do well.
and when i walked out of the hall, i hoped fer a better score.

my confidence was shaken badly in the midst of the paper, and maybe it was there and then, that i told myself, i couldn't make it. i tried and gave up, again and again, it was something that i have never since 7 done so. i failed myself, so have i failed you.

i laughed my whole day through,
but back at home, i knew sth has to be done.
my results were the amount of effort i had dedicated to my work.
i wouldn't claim that i don't deserve it, but just not this harsh.

just wanna thank those that have tutored me in one way or another.
it was really appreciated ;D

2008-05-14T18:02:00.004+08:00

mids were over fer 408s on 13th May.
yeah, i most probably wouldn't do well fer this mids' papers.
wasn't prepared at all.
although i really did study fer it, but it was a rush job.
fairly disappointed in my performance fer some of the papers.
couldn't comprehend a few questions.
the results will say the rest, i suppose.
dreading fer Friday.

was looking through my pictures. &i found a few photos we took long ago.

the dwarfs

i really missed those times.

stayed up last night until the sky brightened.
thought of so many things, and i find it hard to swallow.
i've done wrong, but it seems too late.
i'm having my Os, but i don't seemed prepared.
i'm a sec4, but i don't behave like one.

I'm just stuck, stagnant. Be it my Christianity faith or my own studies, I ain't progressing. My constant procrastination is causing me to self-destruct. I've tried, but failed. Being trapped in it, I really wished I can perform best to my ability, but there's just something that is stopping me. Hais.

2008-05-06T15:35:00.002+08:00

have been mugging through the nights and all fer the past few days.
realised that this is only just mids, and i'm struggling through it.
it took me days to realise, i'm stuck, and ain't moving on.

you've tried hard, done much, fer the past months.
i feel far, just so you know.

2008-04-27T00:27:00.004+08:00

alrights, i haven't been posting fer the past week. mainly because i'm still trying to get use to my new place, i still haven't got a photo to my new place and new room. haha. SOON!

the rest of the post is gna be very wordy, and long.

well, ever since i've shifted in, i've been trying to study. but yeah, somehow it worked a lil, but that lil lil bit isn't of much use at all. i use to start my revision a month bef mids, and look at the date today. its later than the latest time that i've started so far fer the past 3 years i've spent in deyi. i have no idea why this is happening, maybe its because of my lack in self-discipline. and i do agree, that i'm very bad at it. i can't seem to get myself started on a single piece of assignment, and i would usually give in to temptations. kill me! i don't wish to fail my mids and lose my footing.

its the same setting, but the different people.
with the streets lights shining, the cars honking.
the same song at the background, the same way we sat.
its just a different route.
searched around in the dark, leaned my head forward.
and i found myself lying on a different back.

really feel like telling you how much i miss you.
really feel like shouting it out loud.
really feel like telling you how much i care.
really feel like telling you how exactly i feel.
but i'm just not given the opportunity to.

i used to be very sure of your love instead of mine. i never had to doubt your love fer me, your care fer me. your care and concern fer me touched me in almost every occasion. in the past, there wasn't a day where i had to ask myself if whatever i was feeling was fake. because you would always assure me again and again, with your little actions, with your words. you had me feeling comforted and loved with you around. i was almost like the happiest girl, when i had all of it, and nothing deprived me from having more of your attention. I was the only one that was revolving around your life.
just when you got me so addicted to you, you have decided to take everything away. including that love and patience you have fer me. i don't uds why. i'm no longer sure of your feelings, let alone your thoughts and actions.
inconsolable, unbearable.
with gritted teeth, i braved the way.
bef the day those white flags are risen, i pray that you'll come infront of me.

我越来越不懂你的心。
有这想方弃的念头，却还做不到。
不要判我死行。
熟不可忍的心酸。

2008-04-20T14:03:00.002+08:00

photos taken today ;D

my best friend! ;D

photos taken ytd.

the beloved class ;D

2008-04-19T23:37:00.002+08:00

home after the president's challenge cip. it is actually the launch of the president's challenge 2008, which is also something like what everyone know it as president's star charity. yeah, and our job is mainly to wait fer the president's arrival and to prevent the crowd from entering into his path. temasak poly's stadium is the holding site fer all volunteers.
fer whatever reason there is, deyi is chosen to be the school helping out, and i have no idea why our school agreed to help out. sending the sec4Es except 407, 503 to bedok reservoirs to be fools fer nearly 7hrs. we practically waited fer the president fer 4 hrs, and our job was only less than half hr. the ratio of us slacking to working is 14:1. can you imagine that? we had to try to kill time under the freaking hot sun.
cip which is also known as community involvement projects/programmes are supposed to be enriching and fulfilling, doing things which will certainly benefit the targeted group. usually events like helping out fer a particular old folks home or fer the needies. people that really need our help. but fer this particular event, i really wonder why is it called cip. our targeted group being the president and his car? benefiting who, i really wonder?

enough of the really time-consuming cip.

last night being the last night I'm sleeping at my old place. that would most probably be the last time i'm living in a landed property i guess. i would certainly miss all the climbing up stairs, hiding up in my room, and trying to climb out to the roof. haha. all the funny shit that i did in that hse, and all the cryings in my room. well, i bet i won't be able to sleep tonight in this very cramped up room. not used to having 4 walls like that. haha.

now that i'm aware of how others think, i can't say i don't care. but what can i do?